My mother and father have deemed it acceptable to shove me into a middle seat and demand I nap all the way to Colorado Springs.
Fools.
Do they not understand that I am the one calling the shots?
I will not sit, tacit, compliant, ignorant of the aisle that beckons me to run amok up and down its carpeted latitude.
I am 2.
I am terrible.
I am trapped in a tube without understanding of how or why, and God as my witness all who travel with us shall feel my wrath.
Silence to my shrill harpy of a mother- I know not what a “seat-belt sign” is. I do not heed the light panel that beacons from the ceiling; I surrender only to the bright lights of my Fisher Price Play phone, or the siren song of Cocomelon on the iPad.
I will not be bribed into silence with offers of “yum-yums”- I know those are raisins, and Taylor E. at daycare informed me that they were, in fact, not a treat but a fruit.
Your deceit is as sharply painful as my harrowing screeches upon this unholy vessel that transports me to see Pop-Pop and Nana. Oh I know the fate you have in store…
You expect me to sit passively, obedient in the knowledge that soon I will be poked and prodded; my height and weight assessed while demands of “huggies” and cheek kisses fly like arrows to my betrayed little heart?
No, mom and dad. I know your games, and I will best you at them. I know my cries hurt you as much they embarrass you in regard to your fellow passengers. I can smell your fear.
I shall shriek at decibels higher than this plane’s ascension
If you want my wails of outrage to cease, then you will yield to my whims. You will do the dance of the aisle with me, and rest assured we will waltz with the carts. We will make the flight attendants weep.
I will throw fistfuls of crushed pretzels as we march, like an edible ticker-tape parade to my power over you all.
We will – is that…milkies? For me? In my favorite green cup?
I’ll do whatever you want, strap me in, do what you need to do, just give me that sweet, sweet, pasteurized nectar of the gods, and wake me when we’re in CO.