Seeing that cheesy Christmas movies are all the rage these days, we at ELP thought we’d take a stab at a flight-themed tale of holiday cheer. The producers we consulted were…not kind. But we’ve provided an excerpt for you to be your own judge:

Captain Tim – curmudgeon who doesn’t believe in Christmas magic

FO Paul – new, green, loves Christmas

Sarah – young single mother who just wants to give her young daughter a nice Christmas after her husband’s untimely death hanging up Christmas lights

Peyton – Sarah’s 7-year-old daughter who thinks Christmas is the worst after her dad’s tragic death

Alex – no-nonsense big city lawyer who doesn’t have time for Christmas because she’s busy

Parker – Alex’s small-town ex-boyfriend, struggling to keep his familial cocoa business (and Christmas Spirit) afloat

General Passenger 1, 2, 3

Town child

Townspeople 1,2,3*

3 has a white beard and a twinkle in his eye

Captain Tim: I don’t like this, Paul. Where is this fog rolling in from?

FO Paul: Don’t worry, Captain. Tomorrow’s Christmas Eve! Nothing bad ever happens on Christmas Eve.

Captain Tim: Oh cut that out greenhorn, and just find a vector that has smoother air. Christmas Eve is about as magical as my little finger. (continues to mutter, suddenly looks at indicators) Paul, the navigation system is going haywire! Hold tight!

FO Paul: Why would Christmas Spirit do this to us?!

CT: Shut up and PULL UP. We gotta land this thing in 4 feet of snow, here we go…

fade to black

Vectors indicate there is no room in cargo for frivolous Christmas Spirit

Peyton: Mommy! Mommy! What’s going on? Why did we land here? Where are we? Why did Christmas and gravity conspire to steal my father, making me despise holiday tidings and associate the brightness of lights with the darkest of days?

Sarah: I don’t know Pey, I just don’t know. But you know, your dad loved you AND Christmas, and he’d want you to remember all the good things Christmas has to offer.

Peyton: I know mommy. I’ll try.

Sarah: Atta girl

Alex: Where the heck are we? I have a very important legal case to complete, I’m due in court tomorrow! I know it’s Christmas but the law in big and bad metropolis Hustler City doesn’t care! I have to win my case to make partner, excuse me as I scream at my assistant on 6 cell phones.

Parker: Oh Alex, where has your Christmas Spirit gone? Hustler City has changed you. When we dated in high school this was your favorite time of year! Remember, when we kissed under the mistletoe as we shook snow globes all night?

Alex: Hush Parker, that was before I grew up and learned that there are more important things than silly old Christmas…like the law and drinking black coffee exclusively.

Parker: You wound me, almost as much as the fact that my great-grandfather’s “Do the Cocoa-Motion With Me Hot Cocoa Emporium” is closing. How oh how can I revive his chocolatey legacy?!

All emerge from the plane to find themselves in a winter wonderland of snow, Christmas lights, and townspeople gathering to see about the plane that has appeared in the middle of town. A Christmas tree is lit in the town square by a gazebo, and old-fashioned charming buildings loom behind, one glaringly empty amid the other quaint shops

(this movie pitch sponsored by Swiss Miss. Swiss Miss, for when you want watery hot chocolate that tastes like it took no time at all. Swiss Miss, it’s a chocolatey miss for the whole family)

Townsperson 1: What is this plane doing here, in the middle of town?

Townsperson 2: I’m sure I don’t know, and right as we were set to begin our Annual Night Before The Night Before Christmas Extravaganza.

Town child: Gee it’s just not the same now that “Wake Me Up Before You Cocoa” got bought out by Swiss Miss and shut down.

Townsperson 2: It’s never too early to learn about capitalism, kid.

Captain Tim: Hey folks, sorry for the impromptu landing, our equipment suddenly went all haywire and we had to land. You wouldn’t have a hotel or anything nearby would you?

FO Paul: Golly, you guys sure know how to decorate for Christmas! Were you about to have yourselves a small-town Christmas fest?

Captain Tim: Seeing you all here, it warms my cold, dead, Scrooge of a heart. Merry Christmas! Pass the eggnog, I live here now!

Townspeople: Huzzah!

Sarah: See Peyton? Look how fun and unifying Christmas can be!

Townsperson 3/ Santa?: Peyton, I’m Chris, and I couldn’t help but notice you want the new doll everyone is freaking out over. (takes doll out of pocket) Here ya go kiddo. Your dead dad says hi, btw. He told me you’d been very good.

Peyton: (eyes wide) Thanks, mister!

Sarah: (eyes brimming with tears) How can I ever thank you?!

Townsperson 3/santa? gives a us a wink and a “ho-ho-ho” before kissing Sarah

Peyton: Mommy are you gonna marry Santa?

Sarah: (smiling brightly she utters shyly) I think I am.

Peyton: Now I get a new doll and a new daddy!

Parker: Hey kid, did I hear there was an absence of hot chocolate in this town?

Town kid: There sure is, mister. It just doesn’t feel like Christmas without melted liquid chocolate in a mug.

Townsperson 3/ Santa?: Parker, I think you’ll find the old abandoned hot cocoa cafe a decent Christmas gift, eh? All set up and ready to melt…

Parker: Really? For me?

Sarah: (hangs up her 6 cell phones and throws them into the snow) Parker, I just quit my job. Let’s get married and make small batch hot chocolate no one can afford that’s in season for a brief window of time…together.

Parker: I think I’d like that.

Sarah: (suddenly dressed in a Christmas sweater) Cocoa for everyone!

General Passenger 1: No but where are we because I keep calling the rebooking number and it just says “this call cannot be completed in this holiday-themed dimension”?

Townspeople: Hooray for our new residents!

General Passenger 2: I’m literally performing a kidney transplant tomorrow soooo…

Townspeople: Hooray for Christmas!

General Passenger 3: Wait is it like, always Christmas here or?

Captain Tim: Out of all the places for our equipment to go down, I’m so glad our flight found Christmas.