As the summer winds down, we at ELP are dedicated to helping your children ace those first few AP English quizzes, which is why we’ve decided to use core character traits to imagine how they’d fare in one of the most brutal situations known to modern man: getting through security.

“What’s your policy on nuts and bolts?”

• The creature – fun fact and if your kid stops reading here they will have learned a core tenet in the literary world: the creature was not named Frankenstein. He was never given a name- that’s the POINT. Also he clearly had a horrible time getting through because he had no ID.

• Victor Frankenstein – the dude who BUILT the creature was named Frankenstein, and seeing as he’s an overly-ambitious scientist with no aversion to or respect for the dead, he rolled right on through the scanner. They did make him throw out his patchwork of skins though, and had a lively debate about whether or not bile is a liquid.

• Scout Finch- she got reprimanded for leaving trinkets in the bins for her mysterious and mute neighbor to find, but otherwise got through alright.

• Elizabeth Bennet – she got pulled over for additional screening whereupon she made the TSA lady cry after giving an impassioned rendition of, “From the very beginning, from the first moment, I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners, impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the groundwork of disapprobation on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last TSA agent in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to allow to pat me down.” (Jordan would like you to know that she typed this quote mostly from memory because she was and is very cool both now and in high school).

• Mr. Darcy – Def thought his withering stare was going to be enough to get him Pre-Check. Dude was most violently humbled because it turns out TSA doesn’t care if you own several enviable estates, make 5 thousand a year, and you certainly have not the talent which some people possess, of conversing easily with those you have never seen before.

• Holden Caulfield – kept calling the whole process “phony” while continually attempting to rebelliously smoke Malbro lites, so he was carted off to airport prison.

• Jay Gatsby – packed a weridly large amount of shirts and kept looking for a chick named Daisy. Called every agent “old sport” and ultimately was turned away since he tried to get through with bathtub gin and a fake ID.

• Daisy Buchanen – tried to crash through the line with a motorized scooter, then demanded everyone else clean up the mess. Also, listen closely kids, Daisy is associated with WHITE. (Jordan got this wrong on a quiz and it haunts her to this day).

“Is TSA obligated to report hit-and-runs or?”