22 Dec

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer vs the FAA

Your Honor, for the defense, my name is Jimminy Christmas- no relation to the cricket from Pinocchio, thanks for asking- and I’m here on behalf of all the hardworking folks of the north pole – Mr and Mrs Claus, elven folk, and yes reindeer, namely one reindeer who, if we are not careful to uphold yuletide justice, will be forced to undergo pilot as well as flight attendant training, delaying Christmas for months. Possibly years. Today you have heard all about the supposed advancing safety precautions as well as gross misinterpretations of near collisions in the air on repeated evenings of December 24, but make no mistake; the fault here rests solely on capitalism and commercial air travel.

You honor let the record show that I am for sure a human lawyer and not 3 elves in a suit.

Now it’s true that throughout more recent decades, the incidents of near accidents between sleigh and plane have increased tenfold. But to indicate that any of the fault here lies with the intrepid team guiding Santa’s sleigh, namely Rudolph is insane.

To further conclude that they are in need of laborious and time-consuming training to take to the skies is just insulting. Do your children go off to wither away their time at walking school when the time comes for them to arise on 2 legs? Are we as humans taught to treasure and protect Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson at all costs?

No because when certain things are innate, as a part of the very fabric that makes us up, we need no instruction. We heed no masters.

Adorable? Yes. Also the face of a skilled and pioneering aeronautical artist? Also yes.

To suggest Rudolph and his expert team must be transported and forced into training of any kind is absurd. Furthermore, it shows a gross misunderstanding of Christmas Magic, which every holiday-fearing man, woman, and child, knows is the force that not only allows for flight on Christmas Eve, but ensures that no harm will ever befall Santa and his dedicated reindeer team.

We understand that Santa and all North Pole employees are technically citizens of a magical realm and therefore are subject to their own laws and protections, however because the facilities you want to force them to attend are in the USA, we feel we have also proven how said actions would be a grave miscarriage of certain inalienable rights we hold so dear in this nation.

There is no life, liberty, and certainly no pursuit of happiness in shipping off magical flying reindeer in the cargo hold of a dark and hollow plane merely to deposit them in a hotel devoid of adequate space for their reindeer games.

The facility is woefully unprepared to offer a balanced diet of Christmas cookies and carrots to our 4-legged Christmas friends, nor from what our investigators could tell, is it ready to deal with variable (and sometimes explosive) relationship dynamics between Prancer and Blitzen (Prancer knows what he did).

Lastly, to suggest that Rudolph’s red nose violates operational procedure and to insist he CHANGE THE COLOR as if switching out a lightbulb is preposterous and cruel. This is not something one merely screws into an empty socket…this is his NOSE. There are veins, nerve endings, not to mention an extremely complex network of magical wiring rendering an otherwise normal nose a beacon of light. And that light happens to be red.

And I’d just like to remind you of something else that’s red- the stripes on the American Flag. And that flag means freedom…or at least it used to.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, only you can decide the fate of these deer, this holiday, and it’s my sincere hope that you’re guided tonight by something just as big and bright as my client’s beautiful shining nose- the right thing to do. The defense rests.

Posted by | Posted at December 22, 2023 7:00 pm |
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About us

Airlines depend on ELP Aviation because our software improves operational efficiencies, eases crew interactions, and increases profitability. We offer products that provide scalable and agile solutions based on the individual Carrier’s needs. We’re already thinking about how to solve the next problem.

Learn more
Locations

 

Headquarters:  103 W Spring Ave, Conway Springs, KS, USA

Branch Office: Narayana Enclave, Plot No 610, Road Number 33, Jubilee Hills, Hyderabad-500033, Telangana, India.

Contact Us
+ 1 (316) 239-6080

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If you are an ELP CrewPortal App user please contact your Airline Department for questions.

@ ELP Aviation, Inc. 2020