05 Oct

Review from that time an airline rented out The Great Pumpkin for a charter flight

I recently embarked on X airline’s first-ever Halloween Charter flight…and dear god I hope it was their last.

I’m not sure about the men and women who sat up in that boardroom one sweltering summer day, as they hatched plans for fall functions for their airline. I’m not sure about them as marketing strategists or people, because I have never once gagged my way through carving a pumpkin with my ungrateful kids who inevitably make me do all the work and thought to myself, “Gee, I’d really like to hitch a ride in this slimy gourd’s husk.”

But for some reason, some orange and unholy reason, someone did think that, and so, as the local paper’s review guy I had to trek aboard (some might say a-gourd) the behemoth orange ball we call The Great Pumpkin.

This is an enchanted (or perhaps cursed) holiday apparition, not a vessel of flight

A bit of a misnomer, since, “great” it most certainly was not.

Consider the logistics for a minute. This thing is a freaking PUMPKIN. It wasn’t designed for air travel- it was designed to slowly ascend over a chosen and blessed pumpkin patch on All Hallow’s Eve for like, 20 minutes tops, before rumbling back to the ground to slumber another year.

When I sit back (with legs blessedly outstretched) and think of the potential lawsuits alone, I shudder to think. It’s not like it’s equipped with seatbelts. They had us packed in like pumpkin seeds, how you gonna assume the brace position when you’re huddled up crisscross-applesauce basically on top of your neighbors as the cylindrical vessel you’re aboard hurtles 50 feet off the ground at 5 miles an hour?

That’s another thing- they didn’t even try to install a temporary motor. I’m not sure of the efficacy of such an attempt, and also you’d have to take The GP’s pain threshold into account when considering such modifications, but what about MY pain? That of my family?

It took us 16 godforsaken hours to go from Dallas to McAllen. They thought we died. My wife tried to cash in my life insurance. Now we’re in counseling and I sleep with bear spray under my bed because that was awful fast, Helen. My kids won’t come near me because I smell like rotting squash, and they think I’m a zombie.

Oh an the service on board, where do I even begin? When the flight attendants weren’t slipping all over the stringy, slimy interior, their shoes were becoming lodged in the very walls. Again, this is a pumpkin. It is porous and wet, and whatever team this airline hired beforehand didn’t get all the string bits out which I know is impossible- I struggle every year- but I’m not also out there trying to shove people inside my shoddy attempt at carving.

I get that they were trying to go for a “farm to pumpkin/plane” deal, but to only serve roasted pumpkin seeds and pumpkin juice on a 16 hour “flight”…if you’re ever looking for an alternative punishment to solitary confinement, I think I’ve got it. The seeds might have been good. We’ll never know. They were impossible to eat; as big as a Buick and twice as tough. What part of “Great Pumpkin” did no one understand? Great meaning big, not great as is wonderful because this was to wonderful what up is to down- opposite.

I’m not even going to rate this with my usual guide- I’m not going to rate this at all. This is a safety disaster waiting to happen, please do not do this again, and if this airline does end up disturbing the sanctity and structural integrity of The Great Pumpkin a second time by packing 200 unknowing participants inside the squishy squash hull, may God have mercy on their souls.

Happy Halloween!

Posted by | Posted at October 5, 2023 11:50 pm |
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About us

Airlines depend on ELP Aviation because our software improves operational efficiencies, eases crew interactions, and increases profitability. We offer products that provide scalable and agile solutions based on the individual Carrier’s needs. We’re already thinking about how to solve the next problem.

Learn more
Locations

 

Headquarters:  103 W Spring Ave, Conway Springs, KS, USA

Branch Office: Narayana Enclave, Plot No 610, Road Number 33, Jubilee Hills, Hyderabad-500033, Telangana, India.

Contact Us
+ 1 (316) 239-6080

info@elpaviation.com

 

Account
If you are an ELP CrewPortal App user please contact your Airline Department for questions.

@ ELP Aviation, Inc. 2020