02 Jun

Rating the First Class Foods I can remember based on if they’d kill Gwenyth Paltrow

So it’s trending to theorize about what humble foods common to us mortals might do to wellness queen and Mama GOOP herself, GP. I decided to take it a step further and reminisce about some of the First Class fare I served once upon a time, and see if our fair Gwen stands a chance against Gate Gourmet.

Salmon Salad

Arguably one of the fresher and healthier options, I’m pretty sure this fillet was not wild-caught. It was certainly not caught by a bearded fisherman clad in a fair isle sweater, who ranks at least 7/10 in terms of rugged attractiveness and manly brawn. Also, the lettuce was def not organic, and the dressing was cream-based. She’d live but she’d need a hefty round of antibiotics.

LOLZ like she takes those.

Lobster Mac and Cheese

If this meal was solely comprised of carbs and cheese she would die upon smelling it, however, the lobster would have saved her here, if it was real. But let’s you and me be real- we’re flying from ORD to OMA…and that ain’t “lobster”.

Lentil Polenta Chili

One of the healthier (and surprisingly delicious) options, we’ve got low-fat plant-based protein with a fairly healthy carb. She’d need to do a juice cleanse in tandem with an IV flush regimen, but after all that and a good 48 hours in the sauna she’d be good to go.

“Wait, so the crime is that someone offered you gluten?”

Warm Nuts

These probably came from bulk containers at Costco, but her backyard chickens say thank you for the delightful snack. She’d live because she wouldn’t deign to eat salt at 30,000 feet, think of the bloat.

Cheeseburger and fries

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *sips whatever moon powder smoothie* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Cheese Tortellini

Instant death as soon as the words left your mouth. Swift, instant, painful, carb-fueled death.

Hummus Plate

This one…ya know what, this one is good…minus the pita chips of course.

Posted by | Posted at June 2, 2023 4:57 pm |
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About us

Airlines depend on ELP Aviation because our software improves operational efficiencies, eases crew interactions, and increases profitability. We offer products that provide scalable and agile solutions based on the individual Carrier’s needs. We’re already thinking about how to solve the next problem.

Learn more
Locations

 

Headquarters:  103 W Spring Ave, Conway Springs, KS, USA

Branch Office: Narayana Enclave, Plot No 610, Road Number 33, Jubilee Hills, Hyderabad-500033, Telangana, India.

Contact Us
+ 1 (316) 239-6080

info@elpaviation.com

 

Account
If you are an ELP CrewPortal App user please contact your Airline Department for questions.

@ ELP Aviation, Inc. 2020