So it’s trending to theorize about what humble foods common to us mortals might do to wellness queen and Mama GOOP herself, GP. I decided to take it a step further and reminisce about some of the First Class fare I served once upon a time, and see if our fair Gwen stands a chance against Gate Gourmet.

Arguably one of the fresher and healthier options, I’m pretty sure this fillet was not wild-caught. It was certainly not caught by a bearded fisherman clad in a fair isle sweater, who ranks at least 7/10 in terms of rugged attractiveness and manly brawn. Also, the lettuce was def not organic, and the dressing was cream-based. She’d live but she’d need a hefty round of antibiotics.

LOLZ like she takes those.

If this meal was solely comprised of carbs and cheese she would die upon smelling it, however, the lobster would have saved her here, if it was real. But let’s you and me be real- we’re flying from ORD to OMA…and that ain’t “lobster”.

One of the healthier (and surprisingly delicious) options, we’ve got low-fat plant-based protein with a fairly healthy carb. She’d need to do a juice cleanse in tandem with an IV flush regimen, but after all that and a good 48 hours in the sauna she’d be good to go.

“Wait, so the crime is that someone offered you gluten?”

These probably came from bulk containers at Costco, but her backyard chickens say thank you for the delightful snack. She’d live because she wouldn’t deign to eat salt at 30,000 feet, think of the bloat.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *sips whatever moon powder smoothie* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Instant death as soon as the words left your mouth. Swift, instant, painful, carb-fueled death.

This one…ya know what, this one is good…minus the pita chips of course.