Flight Disruption Report

Flight Number: 1809

Destination: BWI

Passenger: Edgar Poe, Allan

Upon boarding, passenger donned a straight-up creeptastic mask reminiscent of cottage cheese left out in the sun. Stole the bodily barriers kit (tell maintenance we gotta replace that) donned the personal protective gown and gloves and tried to slither into the first class cabin while shouting “A plague on all you prosperous swains! I am the harbinger of death, servant of disease, master of mortality… I am your own self-hatred wrapped up in disguise!”

Lead FA threw up hands in confusion before tackling him. Called captain but all decided getting home more important than dropping off lunatic in unplanned ATL landing. Clawed off mask revealing mustachioed clammy dude. Escorted him back to seat. All was quiet for the next 30 minutes.

“Nevermore…”- The Raven

Look up to find passenger unpacking emotional support animal that he failed to get listed on our manifest (so let’s look into the kinks of that system, yeah?)- ESA was a black raven. Glossy, large, secrets in his eyes, trained to utter singular unsettling word.

Passenger starts crying to raven. Can only assume it’s because passenger’s girlfriend Lenore left him- surmise perhaps because he cries and talks to a raven but no judgment. Seat-mates then rang call button asking FAs to please make man stop weeping/ raven stop pecking at their small child.

We told passenger to reel it in and gave the ESA several bags of pretzels and a Benedryl. (Not procedure, but you don’t know what you’ll do until it’s you stuck in an airborne pringle can with a bird that continually squawks the word “nevermore” over and over and over).

Begin to hope things are calming down. 40 minutes left in flight. Plan to kiss ground upon landing and finally enroll in dental assistant school.

Suddenly passenger jumps up from seat so robustly he hits head on overhead bin. Rush out to make sure said bump wasn’t serious. Find passenger bent over with hands covering ears wailing about a noise no one else could hear. Assume concussion procedures and ask if he is flying with a cold- potential ear drum issue. Passenger doesn’t answer because is too busy clawing at the airplane carpet like a werewolf would claw at a tender rotisserie chicken. Passenger was sweating profusely, kept whining to “make it stop” while ripping at the carpet. Can only assume this was some strange performance art.

“Do you guys also hear the rhythmic beating of a recently dead heart?”

Lastly, once we got him off floor, we tried to lead him to the back for water to calm down. Passenger then shoved coworker into the lav. Began maniacally laughing and stacking up suitcases in front of the door while saying things like, “ finally I shall have my revenge”, “no one shall find you here among the catacombs underneath the revelry” and “in sealing your doom I avenge my own honor”.

Overall, pretty average flight to Baltimore.