21 May

Please let our son into flight school

Look, we understand that this is highly unorthodox because he’s 5, but hear us out.

Summer break is upon us, and we screwed up. We didn’t understand that enrolling your kid in summer camp apparently meant filling out applications when they were still a zygote. And with summer coming up, the thought of spending all day every day with him for 3 months sends us into dry heaves.

Listen, we love him. He’s our child. We’d die for him. But… well… it’s like loving an endangered rhino or a solar eclipse – best done at a distance with the proper protective equipment.

Ironically, some of the things we dread most with Xander are the things that we think would make an incredible pilot. Consider this:

  • No need for rest breaks: We can attest this child hasn’t slept more than 3 hours at a time since his birth, yet his energy reserves are never depleted. He will pull all-nighters with the gusto of one chick on “Saved By The Bell” on caffeine pills.

  • Ditto for contractual meals: In the same vein as sleep, our son somehow subsists on a steady diet of Teddy Grahams and lime green GoGurt. Needing to provide catered meals? Potentially delaying flights for airport food stops? If it’s not full of corn syrup and red dye 40, Xander won’t touch it – honestly, you could probably just fill a couple of gerbil water bottles with chocolate milk and watered-down apple juice, and he’ll be more than happy.

He's essentially a more sentient hamster
  • Laser focus: If his inability to tear his gaze away from the family iPad is any indicator, he’ll pilot your aircraft with an almost frightening level of concentration. My wife once dropped a chicken bone into the garbage disposal, and he never even looked up from a particularly action-packed “Paw Patrol”. Nothing will distract him from flight.

  • Enhanced security: Unruly passengers? Not on Xander’s watch. If he’s not “but why-ing” them into submission, his 3-week long hyper fixation with the movie “Home Alone” will have him rigging coke cans and beverage carts into instruments of pain. The number of nights he’s had us in tears telling him it was bedtime is innumerable. The child pitches fits at unholy decibels and will render any threat defenseless.

As you can see, ironically, the things we dread the most are the things that would make him a compelling pilot. But also, please, please, the last time we were with him for more than 3 days, my wife developed a permanent eye twitch and I had to lock myself in the pantry while I mainlined Red Bull and cried. In essence, no pressure, but you hold the fate of our marriage in your hands.

Posted by | Posted at May 21, 2024 12:03 pm |

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About us

Airlines depend on ELP Aviation because our software improves operational efficiencies, eases crew interactions, and increases profitability. We offer products that provide scalable and agile solutions based on the individual Carrier’s needs. We’re already thinking about how to solve the next problem.

Learn more
Locations

 

Headquarters:  103 W Spring Ave, Conway Springs, KS, USA

Branch Office: Narayana Enclave, Plot No 610, Road Number 33, Jubilee Hills, Hyderabad-500033, Telangana, India.

Contact Us
+ 1 (316) 239-6080

info@elpaviation.com

 

Account
If you are an ELP CrewPortal App user please contact your Airline Department for questions.

@ ELP Aviation, Inc. 2020