In anticipation of the ham, we ask that you place your seats adequately under the dining table, and make sure your napkin is delicately gracing your lap.

No, honey, they know I’m a captain, they love the hat. I’m keeping it on while we eat.

Anyway, my lead wife here worked tremendously hard on this meal, so I know you’ll treat her with all the respect and appreciation she deserves. She’s here mainly for the family time, but please don’t hesitate to ask her for anything that might make your meal more enjoyable.

Turbulence can come out of nowhere

Ope, I see a knife poised to strike, I have yet to indicate that you’re free to begin feasting, eager beaver. Let’s put our utensils down as we wait for my co-pilot and oldest son to carve up this pork.

A word of caution, as I know we’re all excited to dive in, but the dressing carafe can be a tad finicky on the takeoff and landing- vectors being what they are this afternoon, I don’t foresee any issues, however, it might be best to tread lightly and if you’re under the age of 12 perhaps seek assistance from maintenance…I mean your parents.

We anticipate a mealtime of around 2 hours, followed by a cake and coffee follow-on service that will take approximately 1.5 hours. We say “approximately” as this all depends on conversational headwind and how quickly my wife is able to frost the cake.

Quick reminder, there is no smoking in the dining room at any time, and any less than flattering remarks on the state of spouse’s cooking will result in either your ejection from my home, or your being physically restrained and detained in the downstairs guest bathroom until we feel the threat has subsided. You will be added to a list and never allowed back for dinner, ever again.

Tablets and iPads must be stowed away for the duration of the meal- smaller handheld electronics like cell phones may be out on the table, but we’ll judge you with scorn should you view them throughout the meal.

On that note, bon appetit, sit back, relax, and Happy Easter.