To my loved ones, friends, and lawyer/reader of my last will and testament should I perish in this sojourn for justice,

As I sit here on my Scandanavian Airlines flight to Longyearbyen, the icy Dr. Pepper on which I sip does little to quell the burning bloodlust scorching through my veins.

As you are all aware, for many years now- decades in fact- I have been a victim of one or more of Santa’s rouge reindeer.

From the bite of Blizten’s hooves to the third-degree burns from Rudolph’s glaring crimson nose, I have lost countless hours recouping from the onslaught of attempted sleightricide. Today, after another lengthy post-holiday convalescence, I intend to put an end to these yuletide assassinations.

I intend to claim my vengeance.

Never again

If you are reading this, you have undoubtedly begged me to refrain- to move off of Santa’s designated present-delivery pathway. To this I say, I was there first, and since when does simply grabbing the mail in the hopes of perusing a few belated holiday cards on Christmas Eve mean I deserve to be cruelly run down by Santa’s holiday steeds?

Who is this Santa the world claims to love- do they even know him? Would a generous benefactor be capable of countless callous annual hit and runs?

I suppose you never know anyone.

For too long, the man in red and his band of sleigh-pullers has haunted my Christmas Seasons. Too many times have I lain there, alone in the snow unable to move, looking up at a frosty sky, pleading the word “why” like a prayer to no one.

And so, I fly onward, never minding the numerous connections it shall take me to achieve access to the world’s northern most point.

As I rack up status memberships with multiple airlines, the ability to upgrade with ease does little to assuage my search for New Year’s retribution.

Did I miss the bev cart?

It’s the night before vengeance, and all through the plane

Not a seatmate was stirring, since I look deranged.

The carry-ons sit in the bins without care,

with my tools of retribution all safely there;

So I doze in my seat, with books to be read,

While visions of rancor dance in my head.

Descent fills me up with excitement and spite,

Merry Vengeance to me, I will soon make this right!

P.S. If I am unable, please verify that I have received my promotion from gold to platinum status, and make sure those benefits are transferable in case things go south while I’m up north. XOXO Nana