I remember in my last days of flight attendant training thinking to myself “I could basically go to war with an ice mallet and a coffee pot for everyone on board this plane, but I have no idea how to pull off an actual normal service.” Our training was focused on evacuation drills and most importantly, security; I understand the reasons why, but it would have also been nice to know how to set up a cart. Anyway…

The post 9/11 world of aviation is vastly different than the one mentioned in wistful Pan-Am references- yes it was more glamourous…it was also WILD.

*laughs in glamour*

I’m a jumpseat cowboy, baby

As a flight attendant, I was often given the opportunity to fly for free if there was space available, and if not, I could ride on an extra jumpseat. Not the most comfortable, but in a pinch, it was better than nothing. There are usually a couple extra in the back for the flight attendants, and at least one up in the cockpit for the pilots. You have to prove you are certified to sit there, and the rules about occupying them are very strict. Security baby. Security. But apparently back in the day it was a free-for-all.

Speaking to my boss and founder of ELP Erwin Ponce, I was reminded of just how carefree a place the open skies were not all that long ago. Erwin has had about a million and 1 lives in the aviation world, and we thought it would be fun to re-hash some of the more surprising shenanigans he witnessed/participated in/ let’s be honest, started. I am now proud to present, with no actual reference of the starring airline, and with some events dramatized for your entertainment:

(Fade into a remote terminal in the sticky heat of a Miami summer afternoon. Barely restrained tourists squabble around the gate as they wait to begin their sojourn to Fort Lauderdale)

Gate Agent 1: Erwin, this kid wants to fly on the plane, but alas, I am loathe to share that we have no more available seats.

Erwin: This world is as cruel as it is beautiful. Child, come forward, and let us discuss options to get you to Sawgrass Recreational Park along with your parents.

Kid: I just wanted to go to the Lego store by my house.

Erwin: Your brave face is admired but it is also pointless for I know that every young man yearns to take flight on the tiniest of planes alongside their family, while all anticipate a bountiful buffet at grandma’s retirement community. I can smell the ham now.

Kid: I throw up when I eat pork.

Erwin: No matter! Gate Agent, see to it that this young man succeeds in his quest to ride this tiny steel bird over mountain and everglade.

Gate Agent: Nothing would bring me more joy, but as I’ve already mournfully stated, we have no more seats.

Erwin (devil may care smile): Don’t we?

Kid: I am full of fear.

Erwin: Get me the captain and FO on the double! Child, do you have any flight experience?

Kid (shrugs): I made my little brother jump out of a tree once…

Erwin: Then you know more than half the pilots I’ve encountered.

(Pilot and FO saunter in)

Pilot: What, ho, Erwin, Gate Agent 1 said you wished to consult with us?

Erwin: Yes, this is a child. He yearns to see the sights of the majestic city of FLL and reunite with his grandparents.

Kid: My grandpa smells like Funyuns.

FO (crouches down by kid): Child, have you ever flown a plane before?

Kid: I made my teddy bear a parachute out of a garbage bag last week.

Captain: Say no more little pilot, it would be an honor to have you accompany us in the flight deck.

Kid: How?

FO: Why on the jumpseat of course. It’s a folding slab of wood that probably needs some sanding, so watch any exposed limbs. Is there even a seatbelt? Who cares?!

Captain: (Hands kid his suitcase): Come along now, once you stow those, it’s time for preflight checks.

(all three begin walking down the jetbridge, the child struggling with the overstuffed bag)

FO: You wouldn’t happen to know what this indicator light means, would you child?

(Erwin and Gate Agent high-5)

Erwin: And that’s how we do it at Un-named Airlines.

(winks)

Was there definitely a kid or 2 who got the seat of a lifetime under Erwin’s operation? Absolutely. Did it go down quite like that? Nah, I mean probably not. Maybe. Who knows?

“Are we liable if something happens with the kid?”