What’s up sirs? It’s me, Stanford. Oh, you don’t know who I am? Of course not, because you only referred to me as the “gremlin” as in, the monstrous creature hellbent on death and destruction whilst one Mr. Shatner bemoaned my movements on the wing to no avail.

To which I say, how dare you?

As spooky season is upon us, and as millions no doubt gear up for a spine-tingling rewatch of one of The Twilight Zone’s most beloved episodes, I can hold back my fury no longer.

Did it ever occur to either of you that I needed help?

That I was lost, alone, and afraid on a slippery airplane wing 30,000 feet off the ground in the pouring rain, all the while the only person who saw me railed on and on about my supposed nefarious intentions?

By all means, finish your drink, I can wait

Did you know after that accidental defiance of gravity I spent two weeks in and out of consciousness in the Greater-County Goblin General Hospital with pneumonia? That my wife and 2 gremlin children had to start a GnomeFundMe account, just to pay the bills as I, husband, father, and sole provider fought for every hard-earned breath?!

No, of course you didn’t, because according to the husks of dried-out leather where your hearts should be, I’m a plot device.

We gremlins are a proud people, and up until recently, ignorant of the ways of the modern world. I had never seen an airplane back then as we eschewed the ways of modern living that you humans so love to develop and evolve.

I was taking a nap in what I now know was an airfield when quite unexpectedly, a giant metal bird-like thing is racing toward me at an impossible speed. How was I to know that leaping onto the wing to avoid decapitation was actually one of the worst things I could do? I had no idea I would soon be airborne!

It was then that my flight to the heavens descended into hell. The number of times I nearly lost my footing in my desperate attempts to remain upright and on the wing was too many to count. All the while all William could do was besmirch my intentions to live as intent to create havoc and harm.

All we are saying/ is give gremlins a chance

Again, if you knew anything about Gremlin culture you would know that we take great pride in 2 things: our luxurious coils of tufted fur, and our cultural legacy of pacifism. But yes, you caught me, I fought and won a long legal battle for the classification as a conscientious objector during Vietnam, but figured I’d throw that out the window for the opportunity to crash a plane. Are we quite certain the only thing Rod smoked during his expositional rants was tobacco based?

When good old Billy saw me tinkering around with the wing, that was me attempting to find a way inside to prevent plummeting to my death. It became quite clear that no one was going to assist me, but yeah, sure I’m the villain for frantically acting out of self-preservation.

If that’s what you people need to believe to justify what happened next, then so be it. I’ve made peace with my god and my therapist, and I no longer need the apology you owe me.

Though methinks the irony of William wrenching open the exit door to shoot at me IN-FLIGHT, therefore prompting a dicey emergency landing, is lost on no one.

In conclusion, being that this episode is likely part of the reason Shatner became the star he did, I’d argue I’m entitled to some of that Star Trek Money. If you disagree, we’ll see you in court.

Best,

Standford Smith

aka The Gremlin on the Wing

P.S. I’d also like to explore the likelihood of TSA Precheck for myself and my family for our trip to Branson next month.