Hey everyone. It’s me, Stan. Most of you may know me as the head of the marketing department for this airline, but today I come before you as a father. My daughter Lindsey has a project due for her high school marketing class where she has to give a marketing strategy pitch to a room of shareholders.

She’s also lowkey obsessed with fall.

I know it’s after 5. I know there’s a happy hour after work at Misty O’Shannigans (thanks for the invite by the way). But I need you all to sit here and listen to this hypothetical pitch so my wife, her mother, stops screaming at me about summer school. No matter what comes out of my child’s mouth, you have to clap at the end and give her an A.

Sit down, Mike, I bailed you out that time you had the bright idea for our airline to publicly sponsor that seeing-eye- dog program that played it fast and loose with rabies boosters, you owe me this much.

Without further ado- Lindsey, take it away:

Hey fam, my name is Lindsey and I’m here for school and stuff. But also because I feel like, really connected to the entrepreneurial spirit and I think my ideas are legit.

So, as we all know, fall is approaching so I call this campaign: #basicwitches. I just have a few questions/suggestions for this theoretical campaign:

• what’s your policy on crewmembers wearing flannels?

• • follow up, are you willing to temporarily hire actual lumberjacks to add a more authentic experience/ support the dwindling opportunities for American loggers?

• what are your current pumpkin offerings on board? How can we incorporate pumpkin loaf into the service?

• Licensing to “Monster Mash” on loop during boarding and deplaning.

• Thoughts on attaching a 2-for-1 entry BOGO event at local apple picking farms throughout destinations?

• Changing boarding groups to the following:

  • leef peepers – status members

  • black cats – 1

  • jack’o’lanterns -2

  • horesmen – 3

  • headless horsemen – 4

  • PSLs – 5

  • mustard- colored sweaters – 6

• pumpkin carving contests in the waiting areas

What are your current onboard pumpkin latte capabilities? Could you get some?

I really feel like the autumnal season isn’t capitalized on enough in the airline industry, and people would legit stan, no cap, if you guys would hop on board the societal hayride that is love of all things fall. The end.

Again, this is Stan, Lindsey’s dad, and sir, if you could sign off that you heard her pitch and it was not terrible that’d be great… also not positive I understood half of what she said and again, I’m so very sorry. I brought apology pumpkin loaf, it’s in the break room and to her credit, it’s actually quite delicious. Cap? No cap? Wait, Lindsey come back…