We’re only a couple of weeks into the new year. I have nothing else going for me unless Duolingo accepts my dog fluency program. Let’s go, brother. You say airport, I say parkour paradise.
+warm-up: is it early enough that you can get yourself to baggage claim and still get back to your sad sleep square? Excellent, speed walk down to that carousel, find one that’s on, bribe someone if it’s not and I want a few laps. Bonus points if you throw some luggage on there to mimic hurdles.
+ walking lunges: go back through security ( I hope you didn’t abandon your bags because national security is everyone’s job and also you’re about to need them. If you did and they’ve been confiscated or destroyed go see about borrowing some from that empty baggage claim you just left) and find the longest walkway or concourse. If you’re in ORD aka the longest airport concourse known to man you’re golden… I thought we were golden in O’hare once; the ex and I once passed happy hours at that very Chili’s Express. How does it go so wrong? Anyway, grab two suitcases and get to those walking lunges. Up and down the hall. Don’t stop until you stop feeling the pain in your heart because it lives in your quads now. It can’t find you in your quads.
+ box jumps: now let’s focus on dynamic movements. Find an empty gate (spoiler, they’re all empty, you’re part of the crowd God and the concourse forgot) and I want 30 jumps up onto the counter. Leap, leap for every frustrated passenger who ever longed to do the same. Leap up! Maybe grab the phone on the other side. Maybe call the number I text you, does it ring for you or just go straight to voicemail?
+ bicep curls: you know one of those stall security gates is broken- my money’s on Hudson News, but tug them all until you find one that is unlocked. Now, curl those biceps up and down, nice and steady. Shelia loved a Hudson News; she was always so thrilled at any place that let you buy an olive snack plate and chocolate milk before 9am. God, I miss that freak.
+ cool down: find one of those massage chairs and go to town for a few, really however long you feel like paying for, you’ve earned it. Maybe try calling Shelia again. Maybe tell her Ed still loves her and don’t we owe it to the kids? Dog Duolingo is going to take off and then she’ll be sorry. They’ll all be sorry.