The drone of the PA throughout the airport and airplane is a near-constant source of noise, but what are those PAs actually saying? We’re about to find out:

1. “Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the boarding area for our flight.”

It’s 4 am and I have no idea where I am or where this flight is going. My hands feel far away, are my lips moving?

2. “Let me remind you that your carry-on allowance is ONE rolling bag and ONE personal item. Please see me here at the gate if you’d like to check your bag to your final destination free of charge.”

I will fling that bag out of your cold dead hands before I let you slither past me with a 3rd item.

“Now paging my will to live. Will to live, last call.”

3. “If you need to redo a seat assignment, please see the flight attendants once you are on board the plane.”

This particular crew has wounded me in some way, either physically or emotionally, and I shall have my revenge. Sweet revenge.

4. “Now boarding groups 1-5. Once again, 1-5, take a look at your boarding pass for your group number, if you don’t see one please board with group 7.”

We etched paintings on the walls of caves, a testament to inherent curious wonder, only to be here, now– nice try ma’am that’s clearly a 9.

5. “If you’re on standby for this flight, please wait till the end of boarding to see if you’ll have a seat on this flight.”

You will live and die in this airport.

6. “This is the final boarding call for this flight. Boarding all groups all rows, last call.”

I shall prepare to seal this vessel as citizens sealing a beloved pharaoh’s tomb. Fly high and proud.

“The lav? Oh you mean the crying station- right this way ma’am.”

7. “In order to expedite the boarding process, we ask you to place the larger of your 2 carry-ons in the overhead bin wheels or handles first, with the second smaller going under the seat in front of you. If you’re in the bulkhead you’re the exception to this rule, and all belongings must be in the bins for taxi, takeoff, and landing. If you’ve brought a coat on board with you, please hold onto it till the bin is full with bags and stick it in and around- this will allow us to accommodate as much larger luggage as possible. We and your fellow passengers thank you.”

Hope ya’ll bought water because my emotional well is bone dry. Also, I said wheels or handles first.

8. “Since we have been delayed on the taxiway longer than 90 minutes, we will now be coming through with a delay snack and water service.”

Those of us about to die, salute you. Tell our story. * steps out into aisle armed with Biscoffs and sheer force of will *

9. “Welcome aboard our fight- as we ascend please remain seated until the captain turns off the fasten seatbelts sign. In a few moments, we’ll be through with a beverage service along with food and alcohol for purchase. We have a variety of options listed in the menu located in your setback pocket. Take a gander at your leisure and we look forward to serving you shortly.

Can’t wait to recite 10 pop choices over and over because no one here can read.

10. “As we begin our final approach, please make sure your seatbacks and tray tables are in their upright positions and any carry-on baggage is back up in a bin or under the seat in front of you. If you’re using a large electronic device like a laptop that must be stowed and put away for the remainder of the flight. We’ll be landing soon.”

I haven’t eaten all day and I yearn for the soft caress of a warm pancake.

11. “Welcome to whatever city we just landed in. It’ll take our captain a few moments to taxi to the gate, and during that time we ask that you remain seated with your seatbelts fastened until the sign is turned off.”

Hey dad! Just landed- ready for Red Lobster on my layover? Oh. No, I get it- free bone density tests in the church rec center are once in a lifetime. No, it’s fine. I’m not crying. Dad?

12. “It’s been a privilege having you on board today, and we hope to see you again soon on another flight. Have a great day.”

Please leave promptly, I have business to attend to on this layover*

*I have to go sit on a hotel bed in an oversized t-shirt and bike shorts and watch “The Fault in Our Stars” until I audibly choke on my own tears while eating vast amounts of Taco Bell.