Tis the season for Yuletide merriment and Christmas magic- a time of twinkle lights and carols romanticized in holiday flicks from Hallmark to Netflix; all suggesting that if you’re not among friends (or the new small-town love of your life) decked out in a Fair Isle sweater, mainlining cocoa as you try and save the town Christmas Pageant, there’s something wrong with you.

But we at ELP would like to remember those for whom perhaps the holidays are…tricky. Maybe you don’t jive with your parents or family in general. Or, maybe, just this once, you’d just like the opportunity to sit around your own cozy warm house, dressed in flannel like a patient in a convalescent home while eating SpaghettiOs right out of the can like the Scrooge you are, deep inside.

If I can’t lay around like a warm slug, I want no part of it

Maybe to you, that is the reason for the season. If so, we feel like your branch of Christmas spirit could use a little support. So below, you will find a comprehensive list of tips and tricks to make sure you have a very happy hermit Christmas.

1. Connect through Halifax. Syracuse would also do nicely. These towns have insane rates of snowfall, starting as early as October. Force it, bemoan that a route through one of these snow-filled towns was the only option available.

2. Book late. Down to the wire late. Book when prices are, much like your holiday apathy, at their zenith, and bask in the warm glow of the fact that while your family might love you, they don’t love you enough to pay $2,000 to see you for 48 hours.

Hey, hi, uh, couldn’t help but overhear…are you taking feedback on this list?

3. Fill a carry-on entirely with any of the following:

• • books of matches

  • rope and duct tape

  • expired Spam

  • container-less enchiladas. Get real mad when they try and claim the sauce as over the liquid limit.

  • doll heads

  • doll arms

  • lawn gnomes

  • eels

  • carrots after they go that weird white color

  • goat bones

Put any or all of these unsettling items in a bag (truly, have some fun with it) and watch that screen light up like a Christmas Tree you won’t be seeing as the TSA officer’s face lights up with horror.

If you somehow find yourself actually on the plane, don’t worry, hope is not lost:

4. On the ground request to speak to the pilot. Say you know he’s Santa, and demand to know why you’re still waiting for a pony.

5. Tell your seatmates you’re sorry in advance if you’re proven wrong, but you’re pretty sure your recent colon surgery fixed the problem.

6. Ask your seatmates to plan with you in case you crash on a mountain and need to resort to cannibalism. As you plot, look at one of them and just murmur, “hmmm”.

7. Make unsettling eye contact with a flight attendant during boarding. Laugh intermittently.

8. If there’s a dog on board, ask the animal how much for the owner.

9. Bring a water bottle. Take large swigs while whisper-chortling, “Not water!”

10. If all else fails, dress up in a full Santa suit in the lav, and start TPing the aisles with the spare toilet tissue while scream-singing carols.

All of these guarantee swift and sure ejection from the plane and airport*

*They might also result in a felony or misdemeanor charge/ criminal record…

Merry Christmas from us to you.