If you somehow find yourself actually on the plane, don’t worry, hope is not lost:
4. On the ground request to speak to the pilot. Say you know he’s Santa, and demand to know why you’re still waiting for a pony.
5. Tell your seatmates you’re sorry in advance if you’re proven wrong, but you’re pretty sure your recent colon surgery fixed the problem.
6. Ask your seatmates to plan with you in case you crash on a mountain and need to resort to cannibalism. As you plot, look at one of them and just murmur, “hmmm”.
7. Make unsettling eye contact with a flight attendant during boarding. Laugh intermittently.
8. If there’s a dog on board, ask the animal how much for the owner.
9. Bring a water bottle. Take large swigs while whisper-chortling, “Not water!”
10. If all else fails, dress up in a full Santa suit in the lav, and start TPing the aisles with the spare toilet tissue while scream-singing carols.
All of these guarantee swift and sure ejection from the plane and airport*
*They might also result in a felony or misdemeanor charge/ criminal record…
Merry Christmas from us to you.